The ‘Roach That Would Not Die

Let’s put our head in the sand, and it will all go away…

Well, my sleeping in the hallway has come to an abrupt and determined end, despite having to wear earplugs and endure being woken at various hours of the night by the noisy street. The hallway has actually been brilliant, in that it has hugely boosted the length and quality of my sleep – it’s a bit of a fuss to prepare my “cocoon” each night, lay out a mattress on the floor and then dismantle it all in the morning. But I’ve kept it up for several weeks, not minding that I’ve not been sleeping up on a real bed.

Until last night…

I was quite exhausted that night, and with the street being particularly loud I was grateful to shut myself off into the hallway and fall into a heavy sleep. However, I was rudely awoken at 4:30am by a big, fat, shiny cockroach that was somehow INSIDE THE COVERS AND RUNNING ALL OVER MY BARE SKIN !!!!!! (!!!!!!) !!!!!!

Needless to say, I was out of bed before I was awake, and so was the spiky-legged creepy crawlie!!

It ran around in a panic all over the floor, I ran around in a panic all over the floor, we both ran around in a panic all over the floor… #repeat

After some running back and forth, dodging, feinting, faking a pass etc all around the suddenly abandoned mattress, the clicking, brown insect took refuge behind my slipper, and I sprang into a more sensible action.

I grabbed the big can of bug-killer on my laundry shelf, and began to spray that bug-eyed, feelered, crispy creature like it was a dried up flower needing to soak up moisture.

I sprayed, it dodged, I sprayed and sprayed and sprayed and SPRAYED AND THE COCKROACH WOULD NOT DIE. #repeat

Finally, I realised that the can in my hand was not, in fact, “Mortein’s Deadly Die-Immediately-Bug Spray”, but was actually a very practical (but in this case useless) can of “Mrs Brown’s Shine-N-Glow Furniture Polish”. In desperation, I grabbed the slipper which had only a moment ago been a pink, fluffy sanctuary for the condemned roach, and smacked the slipper down on the now very polished, very shiny, glowing even, giant bug.

End of combat.

But not of the adrenalin rush, and I gave up on sleeping and instead put on my heroic slippers and set about doing chores in the pre-dawn cool of the night, keeping a sharp eye out for any potential cockroach retributions….

When I let Indiana Jones in around his usual time of 5:45am, he helpfully presented me with half a rubbish-pile rat – spine hanging out of the furry, ragged back end, rubbery tail flopping in the breeze.

Somehow, this did not help my already shaken mental state, and I reacted with a muffled scream (it was early morning, after all – and I have neighbors) as I slammed the door shut on IJ’s rather indignant ginger face.

The only reminder of the night’s battles and the morning’s triumph, is the smooth, slippery patch of over-polished floor in my hallway, and a few black rat whiskers adorning my back doorstep.

Oh – and a nearly empty can of furniture polish…